my heavy heart

i'm writing today with a heavy heart.

i started this blog at a time in my life where i was feeling low. i was a newly wed and a new momma and should have been feeling joy and happiness and for the most part i was. but i was also feeling attacked and rejected and like i wasn't good enough. and to be honest those feelings are sometimes still lingering in the background. i thought starting a blog might fulfill me.

i had these great ideas that if i started a blog, it could be like a journal for me. i could write what was on my heart here instead of drafting it into e-mails to the people who were hurting me. and every once in a while i have. i've poured out my heart here and in return gotten nothing but kind words of encouragement from the amazing women who, for some reason i can't quite figure out, read this blog. and it's been so uplifting, and yet i still feel an emptiness knowing that no matter how many readers accept me, it doesn't take away the hurt these other people caused me.

i find myself in an inner battle that goes something like this-

"i should call and apologize to them, because even though i don't think i did anything wrong they obviously do." 

"but that would be dishonest, to them and to myself. i know they are in the wrong here. the things they said to me were so hurtful, i don't think i can ever get over them." 

"but God would want you to forgive." 

"ok fine, i forgive them, but i still don't think i can forget the things they said!"

"just pray about it, God will give you the answer."

"but i've been praying about it! i pray about it every day! i still don't know what to do"

and this battle goes on almost daily. i am at a loss. i would love any advice, even if it might not be what i want to hear.

i just want to get over this, whatever that takes.