Thursday, November 29, 2012

my heavy heart

Apples of Gold

i'm writing today with a heavy heart.

i started this blog at a time in my life where i was feeling low. i was a newly wed and a new momma and should have been feeling joy and happiness and for the most part i was. but i was also feeling attacked and rejected and like i wasn't good enough. and to be honest those feelings are sometimes still lingering in the background. i thought starting a blog might fulfill me.

i had these great ideas that if i started a blog, it could be like a journal for me. i could write what was on my heart here instead of drafting it into e-mails to the people who were hurting me. and every once in a while i have. i've poured out my heart here and in return gotten nothing but kind words of encouragement from the amazing women who, for some reason i can't quite figure out, read this blog. and it's been so uplifting, and yet i still feel an emptiness knowing that no matter how many readers accept me, it doesn't take away the hurt these other people caused me.

i find myself in an inner battle that goes something like this-

"i should call and apologize to them, because even though i don't think i did anything wrong they obviously do." 
"but that would be dishonest, to them and to myself. i know they are in the wrong here. the things they said to me were so hurtful, i don't think i can ever get over them." 
"but God would want you to forgive." 
"ok fine, i forgive them, but i still don't think i can forget the things they said!"
"just pray about it, God will give you the answer."
"but i've been praying about it! i pray about it every day! i still don't know what to do"

and this battle goes on almost daily. i am at a loss. i would love any advice, even if it might not be what i want to hear.

i just want to get over this, whatever that takes.


  1. hey lady! I have no idea who hurt you or why, but if you want to talk, my email is I'm having the same conversation with myself daily over my inlaws, and how they spoke to me the last time we were around, then the hurtful letters they sent to my home to tell me they didn't gain a daughter but lost a son. I feel you on the "forgive/forget" conundrum. Please don't let it get you down.

    1. Thank you for the encouragement! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in these feelings.

  2. Katie,
    You don't know me but, I happened on your Blog and I have been reading it to keep up with what's happening with your new little son. I am Beau's Great Aunt Debbie. I just had to comment on this post and tell you I felt the pain you are feeling. I had to cut myself off of those same people you are talking about 5 years ago.If you know in your heart as I did and, you know God knows your heart and you did nothing wrong then, the only thing that will bring you peace is to move on and be a Good wife to Beau and a Good Mother to Owen. You do have to forgive but, you don't forget, only God is capable to cast it into the sea of forgetfulness. The person I am talking about is capable of walking out of your life and never looking back. I must add this, my life is so much more peaceful for me minus all that Drama. I think you will find that to be the case too. I pray this helps you in some small way.

    1. Aunt Debbie,
      Thank you so much for sharing that with me. It means so much to be reassured that I am not the one in the wrong here.
      I would love it if you would email your address to me so that we can send you a Christmas card-

  3. hey! found you from the link up. i hope everything gets better for you soon. family dramas are the worst and i think it is even harder when it isn't your own family but your husband or partners family. i have issues at times with my partners family and it sucks big time cos you don't want to hurt him but the relationship is hurting you. sending you love and best wishes from over in NZ. amy xo

    1. Thank you! It really does make it so much harder because of how much it hurts my husband.

  4. Stopped by thanks to the link up. Beautifully honest post! You're not alone, I think we all go through this, keep it up momma!

  5. Hey, I just found your blog via a comment that you left on Ashlee at My Life as Momma.
    I actually just had that same internal battle with myself last week over something a "friend" had said to me. Thank you for being honest, with yourself and with your readers.
    I am so happy that I found your blog and I can't wait to catch up on your story and learn more about you. I hope we can become fast bloggy friends. You seem like a really nice and genuine person.
    Have a happy weekend!

    XOXO Jessie @ Life with the Larsons

  6. Hi linking over from Beckys link up! I feel the same a lot of the time, mostly with in-laws I had my blog private until this link up because of those same reasons! Chin up!


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